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Overwhelmed by their divorce and the daunting road before them; people facing divorce often feel isolated. Friends and family members tell me that it seems like a barrier is between them and it keeps growing larger. It feels like friendship and relationships are slipping away at a time when you want to be there more than ever for your friend or family member. I want to share 4 steps that will help guide you in being a person to walk along side your friend.

4 Ways to Support Her

1. If you have never experienced divorce yourself (or you have and need a reminder about the early days) you need to know that your friend is in uncharted territory. Fear, anger, sadness are companions to your friend and they flow in and out of her day with no warning and little control. As a friend we want to waltz in and offer advice from our perspective or our experiences. STOP. The first thing she needs is to be heard. Listen to her – hear her story and the story behind the story.
2. She needs comfort right now. Whether it’s chocolate, a hug, kind word or time for a nap, small comforts remind your friend that she’s not alone in her darkest hours. Treat her to lunch. Baby-sit for her children for a few hours. Make her dinner. Fill in some of the practical gaps of loneliness and needs.
3. A good friend speaks truth out of a place of love. That means you look for the right time and place and when your friend can best handle what you are about to say to her. This doesn’t mean criticizing her. If you think she should consider some options then come to her with some possibilities. Otherwise it just looks like more tasks for her to get to and her plate is already spilling over.
4. Don’t give up on her. She may not act like her “old self.” She may seem like she is being rude, she doesn’t ever call you, she forgets to thank you for all you are doing, she may seem like she isn’t accepting any of your help or guidance but remember right now it is about her not you. She is functioning on 5% of her emotional, physical and spiritual power. She will return it will take time, patience and love to see her through this divorce.

God's Love in Your Eyes

Don’t tell her things will get better because often times a divorce gets worse before it gets better. Don’t tell her there is a lesson to be learned that will strengthen her because honestly she would trade that in and be weak and skip the lesson at that moment. Do help her to trust God to be God, not to be a divine genie who grants her wishes. While God won’t take away all the pain or give her everything she wants, he loves her and will never abandon her.

She will first see that evidence and hope in your eyes, your words and your actions my friend – her friend.

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 Copyright ©2009 Sandra Dopf. All Rights Reserved.